“BETWEEN STIMULUS AND RESPONSE THERE IS A SPACE. IN THAT SPACE IS OURPOWER TO CHOOSE OUR RESPONSE. IN OUR RESPONSE LIES OUR GROWTH ANDOUR FREEDOM.”
I have been married for almost 25 years now, and unfortunately, I was under the assumption that marriage was easy. I learned pretty quickly that relationships in general are NOT easy. We quickly got in this pattern of Sam saying something that hurt my feelings, me quickly reacting emotionally from a place of hurt, Sam withdrawing so that I didn’t have to deal with my emotions, and then my pain enlarging the distance between us. The questions berated me for years: ‘Why is he being so mean to me? What did I do to deserve how he is treating me? Why is he so distant when I get upset? Clearly, I just needed a hug and an apology.’
Like a carousel that never stops spinning, we engaged in this pattern over and over and over. However, we had absolutely no idea that we were on a never-ending ride that left us confused, frustrated, and feeling alone in our marriage. Sure, sometimes this ride was less nauseating, but most of the time we were both bewildered and powerless to our own reactions. We stayed victims to each other when we both needed to work on something as individuals first.
To most people, it is Sam’s fault that I reacted by crying. But staying in that place of blame and judgment only made our relationship worse. We both needed to understand our own reactions or we were going to continue to be powerless to grow and change.
During my internship, I heard this quote from Holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl, that slowly started me on this path of growth and freedom. This “space” intrigued me, made me curious and then challenged me. Slowly my questions started changing
‘What is this space that creates such power? Howdo I create this space? How can I be lessemotionally reactive to get a different outcome inmy conversations with Sam?’
I knew I no idea how to automatically be able to respond without the emotional roller coast that Ihad been on my whole life. I needed a strategy tocreate that space. That is when I startedintegrating the “Time-out Method.” You can clickon the link or the QR code to watch the video. It was awkward to stop the conversation in themiddle of the argument, when I felt on the vergeof tears or my anger started to swell. Buteventually, it felt quite normal to call the time-out, go in the other room to cry, scream in apillow, journal or pray. Once I calmed down andwas able to think with clarity, I would return to engage with Sam in a way that was much lessreactionary and much more powerful.Then something unexpected and very foreign tome started to take place. Sam started to do thesame thing. We started to table the triggeringconversations for couples counseling, or pause toregain our composure and begin again. I quicklybegan to notice that we were actually workingthrough our conflict; the very same conflicts thathad been on repeat for decades! We started tounderstand each other, value each other’sperspectives, and engage in a way that was bothrespectful and honoring. We aren’t perfect at itbut we are a million times better! Viktor was right! There is such power and freedomin this space. Keep reading and I will give yousome exact steps to create and find your freedomin this wonderful space!